When it’s 4 a.m., and you’re trembling–lying awake, too scared to do anything. When the rest of the world is in deep sleep, and you know you’re alone, trying to fight the voices while you wish there were someone there; someone there to be with you through the intensity. You crawl out of bed and go to the kitchen to eat something that will help calm you down. It helps a little, but the fear is still there–you’re still alone in the dark. You do your best to keep your mind focused on more beautiful things. Things that don’t make your heart beat faster than normal; things that don’t make you anxious. You struggle–it’s harder than it used to be. Nowadays you get anxious about even the most irrelevant details. You quit school a week ago because it was making the symptoms worse. Now you’re falling behind schedule, and you’re not sure which resulting pressure is worse. You’re not sure what to do.
At 5:52 a.m., you look outside and begin to notice it’s getting a bit brighter. You know that soon you’ll be able to fall back to sleep because the voices don’t bother you during the day. Almost as if they’re scared of the light, like little dark demons ought to be. They come out after sunset, then go back to hiding at sunrise. Or perhaps they just don’t have power in the day time–they cannot speak. Perhaps it’s because when there’s light, we have hope. Perhaps all we need is to also have hope in the dark.
When it’s your turn to speak, but you don’t have the words to say, know that it’s okay. It’s okay to not fully understand situations and circumstances. You may feel like a complete failure, and if you do, that may be a good sign because it means you’re trying–you’re doing your best. That’s why you’re exhausted. You’re doing so good. You’re still breathing. You’re alive. You haven’t given up. That means you still have a shot at overcoming this world. You still have a shot at conquering the lies, and the demons that made you believe them. They’re subject to you, yet you’ve let them treat you like you’re not better than them. You are royal. You are so worthy. I’m not saying this to raise your hopes, only for them to be dropped again later. I’m saying this because it’s true. The Truth is beautiful, and so are you. You choose which voices to believe. And choosing one over the other will affect your whole life–choose wisely. Choose beauty.