Yellow. For the longest time I ignored it; always annoyed by how it stood out so vividly. As if it were screaming for attention it never could win.
Beauty. For the longest time I obsessed over a certain idea of what defined it. As if there were a universal criterion that determined whether or not you possessed it.
The revelation of yellow’s importance mad itself known during a season filled with black and white. monochromatic colors don’t say much, and neither did I. It was like they understood what I was going through inside.
So, I filled my life with shades of gray; any color that didn’t tell me I was living the wrong way. Any color that didn’t acknowledge how dark my soul was. Instead, they merged, and I was led to believe that everything was going good.
Eventually the truth spoke out. I found myself crying alone in the dark. I was broken and out of hope—wanting so badly to give up.
I imagined how I’d end my life, but never attempted to do it. And that made me wonder why. I realized it’s because my being is rooted in Christ. Deep inside, I knew that my parents raised me better than that, and because of what they taught me, I had to do my best to stay alive. It was my turning point, yet still, no steps were taken.
But finally, I built up enough strength to pick myself up and attempt to keep going. It was so hard, but I realized that no one else was going to do this for me. No one else could. If I decide to give up, it will be the end of my existence on Earth, and that’s not what I wanted. I just wanted to start over—to not have to sort out the mess I am. But that’s not an option we’re given, is it? Instead, we must work things out and be persistent. Because eventually, everything does become okay. And someday you’ll see why the mountains you climbed were put in your way. They taught us things that we couldn’t have learned otherwise. They made us understand. See, we all go through storms; some more intense than others, because all of us have different destinies in life. But keep in mind that gold is purified by fire. And so are we. Every storm we go through is put there for our good. In the midst of the chaos it can be so hard to believe that. But when things feel hopeless, perhaps the best thing we can do is just let go. You’ve been trying so hard; you’re exhausted from climbing mountains and battling the crashing waves. I know it can be scary. It can get so tough. But even with all the striving, I hope you realize that you haven’t accomplished much. Maybe it’s time to let God do what He wants. Perhaps letting yourself melt in the fire will allow Him to shape you into something beautiful. Let go, and know that you can trust Him. He loves you more than you could ever love yourself, so why not let Him prove that to you.
I know it can be so scary to give up control, but everything our Creator does, He does while being in love with His creation. He paid such a high price for your life. He died for your mistakes. Now, you’re free— free from all guilt and shame. So just remember that it’s okay. It’s okay to feel broken. It’s okay to acknowledge your pain. You don’t have to blame yourself for anything—it’s already paid for. He died so that you can just come and rest in His care; in His love; in His goodness. Because that’s all He really wants from you. He just wants you to be with Him. As a Lover desires to be with His love, so Jesus longs for your company. Allow yourself to rest in Him. Everything’s going to be okay. Just breathe. Just let go.